A time to mourn...

So this past Wednesday we found out that neither embryo survived. It was difficult news to hear, mainly because the clinic had seemed so sure of positive results. It was a reminder that no matter how much science can do, God is still in control and He decides when life will be created.



We do not know exactly what happened. We will meet with the doctor on the 14th and she will tell us her best guesses and they will probably run some more tests on me. The clinic called the Tissots Weds to give them the bad news, and then Chris had to call to let me know. I know it was a difficult call for him to make, having just been told that once again they still were not parents, yet needing to hold it together long enough to call me and tell me that implantation had not worked and I needed to stop taking the hormones. I grieved. My heart ached for Kimberly. I did not know what she was thinking. Had she given up hope? Was she mad at God? I know I might have felt that way if I were in her position. Fortunately, she called me that afternoon and it did wonders to ease my mind. Obviously, the news hurt her tremendously. But she was optimistic and hopeful. She told me, "I still know that I'm supposed to be a mother." She knows that it is in God's plan for her. She felt that there was a reason why the procedure had not been successful this time and this setback would work out for the best in the end. She also assured me that I had done everything perfectly and told me not to blame myself for anything that happened.


Kimberly is a strong, compassionate woman with a heart the size of Texas. :) She amazed me with her optimism and trust in God's plan. What's even more unbelievable is how concerned she and Chris have been with how I am doing since we got the results. Yes, it was tough for me to hear that it wasn't successful, but primarily because I know how badly Chris and Kim desire to be parents. It was their loss sooo much more than it was mine, yet they were consoling me. It blew my mind. I am so blessed to have their friendships.


Here is something I wrote before the procedure but never posted. I'm posting it now because it is still relevant and will always be relevant.






Davison and I went to church on Easter and unfortunately, it was the first time in quite a while. The wonderful thing is that God loves us and uses us anyway and He has been slowly healing us and drawing us back to Him, as he has done for me so many times before. What was especially therapeutic for me was that they played my favorite hymn, “Jesus Paid It All.” The lyrics speak to me because so many times, I feel too small, weak, bitter, unworthy. But I forget that it is not how the story ends.

I hear the Savior say,

“Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me thine all in all.”



Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow



Lord now indeed I find

Thy power and thine alone

Can change the lepers spots

And melt the heart of stone


And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

"Jesus died my soul to save,"

My lips shall still repeat



Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.



As I sang this song on Easter Sunday, I could feel my hardened heart melting, just as the song states. The song ends with,

“O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.”

In my opinion, that line is one of the most powerful lines in any song. God truly raised my life from a point where I felt dead and purposeless to a place where everything is beautiful. Yes, there is still pain. Lots of pain. But I know God is working in me and through me and ultimately I am more beautiful when refined by fire.

I relay this story for a reason. I am nervous about Wednesday. It will break my heart if the test is negative. It will break my heart because it will break Chris and Kimberly’s hearts. But ultimately, God’s plan is more beautiful than anything we could create on our own. And I trust Him.

Please pray for Wednesday and that God will be glorified.