With a heavy heart....

I have been writing this in parts, as much as my heart can bear at a time, to share with you eventually....

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster. I apologize for keeping you guys in the dark but with the disappointment that came with April's IVF failure, we wanted to keep this embryo transfer more of a private affair.

So starting with where I left off last time. My blood test results came back fine. I do not have a blood clotting disorder, natural killer cells, or an autoimmune disease. The doctor had no real explanation for why the last attempt did not work, only the possibility that those embryos were not supposed to become babies. Therefore, we made very few changes for the 2nd attempt. I started going to acupuncture on a regular basis. Our doctor told us there were studies that showed a 10 percent increase in success for women who did acupuncture. So we tried it. And it was very relaxing. It also added a lot of extra expenses for Chris and Kimberly.

The other major change this time was that we transfered 3 embryos instead of 2. It was a risky move, due to complications associated with multiples, but this was our last shot with the clinic and since neither took last time, we wanted to create as much opportunity for success as possible. Things seemed to go off without a hitch at the clinic on transfer day; we felt like pros by the second time around.

Typically, I would go back for the official blood test at the clinic on the 11th day.
Eleven days is excruciating to wait for such big news. Unfortunately, the 11th day fell on a Saturday so we had to wait until that Monday. This time they let me take the test at a lab in Greenville instead of driving to Columbia. What we didn't know is that the lab did not have same day results!!! We had been so anxiously awaiting these results that when I found out we would have to wait another day, I thought I would burst. I had avoided the urge to take home pregnancy tests the entire waiting period, but that was the breaking point. I went out during my lunch break and took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work---I was desperate!!!

It was day 13 after the procedure so I thought we would get pretty accurate results based upon my online research.

It was negative.

I was heart broken. Kimberly said she did not want to know the results but Chris called me a few minutes later. He must have been feeling what I was feeling about not being able to wait another second. I broke the bad news to him. He couldn't hide his disappointment. I walked out of the office and cried in the bathroom stall. I held it together for the rest of the work day. I got home, kneeled to kiss the top of my husband's head, and began to sob. He didn't say anything, just held me for a few minutes. How could this be happening?

I took the other test in the box the following morning --Day 14---(in the comfort of my own bathroom this time).

Another negative.

I was distraught.

We were due to get the official blood test results that day so Kimberly took the day off so she could get the news at home. Around lunch time I had not heard anything so I called the lab and they said that they were still doing one of the tests. At 3:30, I called again and they said they had faxed the results to the clinic. The clinic closed at 4:30 without letting us know one way or the other.

That night Kimberly sent me a text asking me to please continue doing my daily injections as they were still holding out hope. I had definitely planned to since we had not gotten official results, but not without some resentment toward the clinic for making me take another shot when they could have called and told me to stop everything if they had read the results.

I prayed harder during those two days than I ever have. God please let at least one of these embryos be safe and healthy. Please.

The next morning as soon as I sat down at my desk, a call came through from Kimberly. Her voice was one of disbelief....WE WERE PREGNANT! It was a miracle!

The clinic needed me to have more blood tests and they were concerned that my estrogen levels were low. So they added another estrogen patch to make it 5 patches every other day.

We were in shock with the news of the pregnancy. I know normally you wait until you are out of the first trimester to tell everyone about a pregnancy, but this was a miracle. We phoned all of our family and friends and told coworkers the exciting news. We couldn't help it. This is what we had been focused on and working for all year. It had finallly come together.

The next day I got the results back from my Weds bloodwork. Not good. My beta HCG levels, which should have doubled, had actually dropped. That most likely meant an embryo was dying. What we didn't know is how many of the embryos survived and if there was still one in there that was healthy and thriving. And we would have to wait 6 days to find out. This couldn't be over as soon as it had started. God, please.

Weds, the IVF coordinator called me. The pregnancy had failed. Stop all medications. I asked if she was going to call Kimberly. She said I could if I wanted. I told her I'd call and tell her. I felt like you should hear that kind of news from someone close to you. I hate crying to strangers.

I hung up and made the hardest phone call I've ever had to make. I promised myself I would not cry until I got off the phone with Kimberly. She was at work when I called. She broke down and I felt so helpless an hour and a half away from her. I convinced her to go home, forget about work, and take care of herself. I hung up and sobbed. Again, they had to go through the disappointment of not being able to become parents. How could things turn out this way?? I was so convinced that having this baby for my friends was part of God's plan, I never thought it might not work in the end. The clinic had seemed so sure in the beginning.

That night Kimberly sent me a text saying that they loved us, that she'd call me when she stopped crying, and that they were thinking of us and wanted me to get some rest. Can you believe that? She was worried about me and was concerned because she hadn't called to talk to me about everything now that she had time to process it. I texted back to let her know that she did not have to call me right away if she was not up for it and to take care of herself.

She called me the following day. We talked about everything, and she held it together until she said, "I'm sorry we put you through this..." and then she started crying. What an amazing woman. I assured her that I was only mourning for their loss and that my sadness was because I loved them so much and wanted to be able to do this for them.

The clinic thinks that Davison and I will have difficulty conceiving our own child when that time comes and that I will probably need further testing. We will cross that bridge when we get to it.

It has been about a month since we got the heartbreaking news. I still don't understand it. I still cry if I think about it, which is why it has taken me so long to write this post. I try not to feel guilty about offering this possibility to them and not being able to fulfill the hopes I raised. They are now sunken even futher into debt, and they are back at square one. But I did this out of love and obedience and I know deep down that I can't be faulted for that. Chris and Kimberly have been amazing throughout this whole process and I cannot begin to tell you how close I feel to them and how deeply I love them. I know they will make amazing parents someday and I will continue to do everything in my power to help make that happen.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers. Thank you especially to my amazing husband. I don't believe very many people would have been supportive if their spouse had presented them with such a wild idea, but Davison is one in a million. It has been a difficult journey but I have learned so much about myself, become even closer to my husband, and also gained two of the best friends I could ask for. Please continue to pray for Chris and Kimberly in their journey to become parents.