With a heavy heart....

I have been writing this in parts, as much as my heart can bear at a time, to share with you eventually....

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster. I apologize for keeping you guys in the dark but with the disappointment that came with April's IVF failure, we wanted to keep this embryo transfer more of a private affair.

So starting with where I left off last time. My blood test results came back fine. I do not have a blood clotting disorder, natural killer cells, or an autoimmune disease. The doctor had no real explanation for why the last attempt did not work, only the possibility that those embryos were not supposed to become babies. Therefore, we made very few changes for the 2nd attempt. I started going to acupuncture on a regular basis. Our doctor told us there were studies that showed a 10 percent increase in success for women who did acupuncture. So we tried it. And it was very relaxing. It also added a lot of extra expenses for Chris and Kimberly.

The other major change this time was that we transfered 3 embryos instead of 2. It was a risky move, due to complications associated with multiples, but this was our last shot with the clinic and since neither took last time, we wanted to create as much opportunity for success as possible. Things seemed to go off without a hitch at the clinic on transfer day; we felt like pros by the second time around.

Typically, I would go back for the official blood test at the clinic on the 11th day.
Eleven days is excruciating to wait for such big news. Unfortunately, the 11th day fell on a Saturday so we had to wait until that Monday. This time they let me take the test at a lab in Greenville instead of driving to Columbia. What we didn't know is that the lab did not have same day results!!! We had been so anxiously awaiting these results that when I found out we would have to wait another day, I thought I would burst. I had avoided the urge to take home pregnancy tests the entire waiting period, but that was the breaking point. I went out during my lunch break and took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work---I was desperate!!!

It was day 13 after the procedure so I thought we would get pretty accurate results based upon my online research.

It was negative.

I was heart broken. Kimberly said she did not want to know the results but Chris called me a few minutes later. He must have been feeling what I was feeling about not being able to wait another second. I broke the bad news to him. He couldn't hide his disappointment. I walked out of the office and cried in the bathroom stall. I held it together for the rest of the work day. I got home, kneeled to kiss the top of my husband's head, and began to sob. He didn't say anything, just held me for a few minutes. How could this be happening?

I took the other test in the box the following morning --Day 14---(in the comfort of my own bathroom this time).

Another negative.

I was distraught.

We were due to get the official blood test results that day so Kimberly took the day off so she could get the news at home. Around lunch time I had not heard anything so I called the lab and they said that they were still doing one of the tests. At 3:30, I called again and they said they had faxed the results to the clinic. The clinic closed at 4:30 without letting us know one way or the other.

That night Kimberly sent me a text asking me to please continue doing my daily injections as they were still holding out hope. I had definitely planned to since we had not gotten official results, but not without some resentment toward the clinic for making me take another shot when they could have called and told me to stop everything if they had read the results.

I prayed harder during those two days than I ever have. God please let at least one of these embryos be safe and healthy. Please.

The next morning as soon as I sat down at my desk, a call came through from Kimberly. Her voice was one of disbelief....WE WERE PREGNANT! It was a miracle!

The clinic needed me to have more blood tests and they were concerned that my estrogen levels were low. So they added another estrogen patch to make it 5 patches every other day.

We were in shock with the news of the pregnancy. I know normally you wait until you are out of the first trimester to tell everyone about a pregnancy, but this was a miracle. We phoned all of our family and friends and told coworkers the exciting news. We couldn't help it. This is what we had been focused on and working for all year. It had finallly come together.

The next day I got the results back from my Weds bloodwork. Not good. My beta HCG levels, which should have doubled, had actually dropped. That most likely meant an embryo was dying. What we didn't know is how many of the embryos survived and if there was still one in there that was healthy and thriving. And we would have to wait 6 days to find out. This couldn't be over as soon as it had started. God, please.

Weds, the IVF coordinator called me. The pregnancy had failed. Stop all medications. I asked if she was going to call Kimberly. She said I could if I wanted. I told her I'd call and tell her. I felt like you should hear that kind of news from someone close to you. I hate crying to strangers.

I hung up and made the hardest phone call I've ever had to make. I promised myself I would not cry until I got off the phone with Kimberly. She was at work when I called. She broke down and I felt so helpless an hour and a half away from her. I convinced her to go home, forget about work, and take care of herself. I hung up and sobbed. Again, they had to go through the disappointment of not being able to become parents. How could things turn out this way?? I was so convinced that having this baby for my friends was part of God's plan, I never thought it might not work in the end. The clinic had seemed so sure in the beginning.

That night Kimberly sent me a text saying that they loved us, that she'd call me when she stopped crying, and that they were thinking of us and wanted me to get some rest. Can you believe that? She was worried about me and was concerned because she hadn't called to talk to me about everything now that she had time to process it. I texted back to let her know that she did not have to call me right away if she was not up for it and to take care of herself.

She called me the following day. We talked about everything, and she held it together until she said, "I'm sorry we put you through this..." and then she started crying. What an amazing woman. I assured her that I was only mourning for their loss and that my sadness was because I loved them so much and wanted to be able to do this for them.

The clinic thinks that Davison and I will have difficulty conceiving our own child when that time comes and that I will probably need further testing. We will cross that bridge when we get to it.

It has been about a month since we got the heartbreaking news. I still don't understand it. I still cry if I think about it, which is why it has taken me so long to write this post. I try not to feel guilty about offering this possibility to them and not being able to fulfill the hopes I raised. They are now sunken even futher into debt, and they are back at square one. But I did this out of love and obedience and I know deep down that I can't be faulted for that. Chris and Kimberly have been amazing throughout this whole process and I cannot begin to tell you how close I feel to them and how deeply I love them. I know they will make amazing parents someday and I will continue to do everything in my power to help make that happen.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers. Thank you especially to my amazing husband. I don't believe very many people would have been supportive if their spouse had presented them with such a wild idea, but Davison is one in a million. It has been a difficult journey but I have learned so much about myself, become even closer to my husband, and also gained two of the best friends I could ask for. Please continue to pray for Chris and Kimberly in their journey to become parents.

Keeping you in the loop...

Sorry for the delay in posting...we have been slowly regrouping. We met with the doctor for a consult to discuss the reasons why the IVF may have failed, back in mid to late May. She said it could have been a fluke and that the embryos that they selected just weren't meant to become babies. Other possibilities were all related to possible conditions that I may have. They are supposedly rare, which is why they do not test for them prior to the embryo transfer. The big three they are checking for are a blood clotting disorder, an autoimmune disease (like lupus or rheumatoid arthritis), or natural killer cells (which I think sounds like something you would see in the new Terminator movie). The least bad--that doesn't sound right--would be a blood clotting disorder. For that, they would have me take extra folic acid and then a blood thinner the day of the next transfer procedure. Next would be auto immune and for that I would have to take steroids. Finally, the worst for purposes of surrogacy would be natural killer cells, for which the treatment is extensive and more involved. This would rule me out as a surrogate.

All of these conditions would affect my own ability to get pregnant in a similar manner so Davison and I may be learning something about obstacles facing us in the future when we try to create a family.

Please continue to pray, we should know the results in a couple of weeks hopefully. God is faithful and has a purpose in all of this chaos.

I would appreciate prayers for my mom as well, as she is battling some health issues right now and could use some extra love and support. :) She has been a strong, amazing woman throughout all of her tests and I'm so proud of her.

A time to mourn...

So this past Wednesday we found out that neither embryo survived. It was difficult news to hear, mainly because the clinic had seemed so sure of positive results. It was a reminder that no matter how much science can do, God is still in control and He decides when life will be created.



We do not know exactly what happened. We will meet with the doctor on the 14th and she will tell us her best guesses and they will probably run some more tests on me. The clinic called the Tissots Weds to give them the bad news, and then Chris had to call to let me know. I know it was a difficult call for him to make, having just been told that once again they still were not parents, yet needing to hold it together long enough to call me and tell me that implantation had not worked and I needed to stop taking the hormones. I grieved. My heart ached for Kimberly. I did not know what she was thinking. Had she given up hope? Was she mad at God? I know I might have felt that way if I were in her position. Fortunately, she called me that afternoon and it did wonders to ease my mind. Obviously, the news hurt her tremendously. But she was optimistic and hopeful. She told me, "I still know that I'm supposed to be a mother." She knows that it is in God's plan for her. She felt that there was a reason why the procedure had not been successful this time and this setback would work out for the best in the end. She also assured me that I had done everything perfectly and told me not to blame myself for anything that happened.


Kimberly is a strong, compassionate woman with a heart the size of Texas. :) She amazed me with her optimism and trust in God's plan. What's even more unbelievable is how concerned she and Chris have been with how I am doing since we got the results. Yes, it was tough for me to hear that it wasn't successful, but primarily because I know how badly Chris and Kim desire to be parents. It was their loss sooo much more than it was mine, yet they were consoling me. It blew my mind. I am so blessed to have their friendships.


Here is something I wrote before the procedure but never posted. I'm posting it now because it is still relevant and will always be relevant.






Davison and I went to church on Easter and unfortunately, it was the first time in quite a while. The wonderful thing is that God loves us and uses us anyway and He has been slowly healing us and drawing us back to Him, as he has done for me so many times before. What was especially therapeutic for me was that they played my favorite hymn, “Jesus Paid It All.” The lyrics speak to me because so many times, I feel too small, weak, bitter, unworthy. But I forget that it is not how the story ends.

I hear the Savior say,

“Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me thine all in all.”



Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow



Lord now indeed I find

Thy power and thine alone

Can change the lepers spots

And melt the heart of stone


And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

"Jesus died my soul to save,"

My lips shall still repeat



Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.



As I sang this song on Easter Sunday, I could feel my hardened heart melting, just as the song states. The song ends with,

“O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.”

In my opinion, that line is one of the most powerful lines in any song. God truly raised my life from a point where I felt dead and purposeless to a place where everything is beautiful. Yes, there is still pain. Lots of pain. But I know God is working in me and through me and ultimately I am more beautiful when refined by fire.

I relay this story for a reason. I am nervous about Wednesday. It will break my heart if the test is negative. It will break my heart because it will break Chris and Kimberly’s hearts. But ultimately, God’s plan is more beautiful than anything we could create on our own. And I trust Him.

Please pray for Wednesday and that God will be glorified.

Velcro Thoughts :)

Sorry guys...I wrote this on Saturday, but things have been so hectic that I never posted it.

Today was the big day! It came so quickly. It was six short months ago when I first felt called to begin this amazing journey and it has been a whirlwind of events since then. Taking more medications and having more tests done than I can recall, doing all we can to raise money to pay for this procedure (they still need your help!), fighting an insurance company for the right to maternity care, and being blessed every step of the way with a growing friendship with two very amazing individuals. It has been more incredible than I could begin to describe.

The past few days have been filled with detailed instructions. My schedule was a prenatal vitamin in the morning, an antibiotic at lunch, an progesterone injection after work, another antibiotic at dinner, and a steriod at bedtime, all while wearing four estrogen patches every day. This morning I had to take a valium to keep my muscles relaxed during the procedure and drink about 20 ounces of water. Kimberly and Chris had even bought fancy Fiji water for me to drink. Apparently things are much easer to see on the ultrasound if I have a full bladder, which is not the most pleasant experience when they press down on your stomach. After having some bloodwork done when I first arrived to the office, Kimberly and I left the boys in the waiting room and were taken to the procedure waiting room. We put on footies, and I changed into a hospital gown, while Kimberly put on scrubs. At some point, we realize we must have looked like a nice lesbian couple trying to have a baby.

The coordinator of the program came back and told us they had two A+ grade embryos that they were going to implant, and even gave Kimberly her first "baby" pictures. It looked like two clusters of circles. They took us back to the procedure room, pressed on my full bladder, told me I needed to wait 15 more minutes because my bladder wasn't full enough (!!) and sent me back. The second time was more successful (and just a little bit more uncomfortable). We looked up on the TV monitor and we could watch the guy pull the embryos from the petri dish into the catheter tube. Then the catheter tube was placed inside me and the embryos were "shot" out. I had to lie on back for 15-20 minutes and then I was sent home to rest.

We take the official pregnancy test on the 29th!!! Please pray for Kimberly and Chris's two precious delicate embryos inside my body, pray for our battle with the insurance company, and pray for the Tissots as they are still trying to raise money to pay for this procedure.

Countdown to Embryo Transfer-16 days!!!

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Not too much going on. We kind of had most of March "off" as far as meds and tests. Right now I'm starting back up the estrogen patches and go back in for some more bloodwork and an ultrasound on April 10th. Then it will only be about a week before the embryo transfer!!! It has come so quickly. I am so very excited but also nervous that it won't work. I am trying not to let that bother me because it's all in God's hands, but I really don't want Kimberly and Chris to go through any more disappointments on their path to parenthood. Just keep the prayers coming--specifically, that my body will accept these foreign embryos and nurture them as though they were my own.


In the meantime, Kimberly and I have had quite the time. I started having pain in my wisdom teeth around mid-March so I decided to have an urgent surgery to have them removed before I get pregnant. Otherwise, I would have to suffer through the pain because the meds for the procedure could hurt the baby. The surgery went well but I haven't done too well with having gaping holes in my gums for food to get stuck in. I was pretty sure that I was not supposed to do exploratory surgery with a toothpick to remove food particles, but I couldn't help it. Needless to say, I brought on a lot of unnecessary pain and scolding from my surgeon. Now I have this neat syringe to do the trick without any sharp objects needed.


Kimberly, on the other hand, has had a much worse time of things. She had an allergic reaction to a medication that has sent her to the ER twice with trouble breathing. Luckily, the medicine is on its way out of her system, but not without blistering her skin as it leaves. Her skin looks as if it has been scalded and is now peeling. The doctors expect it to be a couple of weeks before it is completely out of her system. She has been a real trooper...


The insurance company denied our appeal. Now we request a hearing. It doesn't look promising, but we are still hopeful. Pray hard. If not, we will have to do the prenatal care uninsured.


To end on a high note, we have raised almost $200 on Ebay selling items to help pay for the IVF. We will be listing some more items soon as more gets donated, so keep checking. You can just sign onto ebay and type in the search box "help a couple have a baby." Also, let me know if you have any items you are willing to donate to the cause.


Also, here is the link to our TV appearance--a little embarassing for me, but I think we did a pretty good job for amateurs!


http://www.yourcarolina.tv/ycvideo/entry/work_friend_surrogate/


Love you guys! Thanks for all the support and kind words you have sent my way!

Biopsy Week Blues

We did five days of injections and then I went in for a biopsy. All of the poking, prodding, and scraping finally got the best of me. I'm sure the insane amount of hormones introduced into my system didn't help either. I broke down on Monday when we didn't numb the injection site well enough, causing me to jump a few inches and Davison to jerk the needle out, tearing my skin and causing the blood to flow. I just cried for a good ten minutes while he hugged me. It wasn't as much from the pain (although it did hurt!) as it was from the stress of trying to keep to this strict schedule of complicated medications and doctors appointments. There's a lot of pressure in trying not to mess up something so important for someone. I have a 2x2x2 cardboard box full of meds. Patches, pills, needles...you name it, I got it. Antibiotics, steroids, a valium for the procedure, birth control, estrogen. I think this whole process will cause me to go organic knowing what those chickens go through to get big and strong for us to eat them.

On Tuesday morning, I went in for a biopsy. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden I felt like the doctor pinched a piece of my uterus off, but she really was only scraping. I jumped again. The tears started coming. The bit she scraped was not enough so she had to do it a second time. I just lay there in silence, unable to stop the tears and embarassed to be crying in front of an audience. The nurse was very empathetic (She's pregnant from an IVF cycle the previous month so she's been in my place) and discreetly brought me some tissue. It was actually a relatively "easy" biopsy, as I had no cramping or spotting afterward.

Kimberly has also been through all of this before when the doctors tried to determine if her body could support a pregnancy. It helps me tremendously that she knows what to expect and gives me all these tips. It breaks my heart that she jumped through all these hoops, only to be told it was not a viable option.

I find out the results of the biopsy on Tuesday I think. I don't know what's after that. I don't know what I will be doing from one week to the next. They don't lay out the schedule for you so you know what's coming, because it's all based on your test results from week to week. They have to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and that my uterus lining is thickening appropriately so that the embryos will attach.



Carolina Care Plan is not going to cover the pregnancy. I bold their name because I think it is unacceptable that insurance companies can discriminate against couples who are infertile by not covering surrogacy pregnancies. We got official word on Friday. The woman who delivered the news acted as though she was delivering me a basket of fresh fruit. She even had the nerve to tell me to "have a great weekend!!" It was devastating. We are fighting it. I'm mailing the appeal letter today. We don't really have time to wait out the appeals process, so we are looking for alternatives. The only policies we have found cost around $20,000, which may be way more than the pregnancy will cost if everything is normal. Plus, since we only have six weeks left, there is no time to come up with that type of money. We may have to proceed without insurance and work with a company that can negotiate with the providers for reduced fees. We are low on options. Please pray for this!

I know that God wants this to happen and I have felt His hand in this the entire time. I know He will work out a way for this baby to be born!

I'm a stunt double and soon-to-be TV star!

Updates! So I've been wearing estrogen patches for a couple of weeks now. I'm up to four patches every other day! You would think that I'd be able to tell a difference, but I haven't noticed any changes. Maybe Davison is the better judge of that. :)

We went to the fertility clinic yesterday. They placed a catheter inside me and used the sonogram machine to determine where they would be placing the embryos! Wild! I start the progesterone injections (ouch!) on Friday. I feel bad for Davison because I think I'd rather receive an injection than give one. I'll be taking those everyday. I go back to the clinic next Tues, March 3rd, for a biopsy (more ouch!) to check the lining of my uterus. After that I will start a whole slew of meds designed to make sure my body is primed and ready for the embryo transfer in April. I told Kimberly it was just like I was her stunt double! I'm so excited for them--I know they are more than ready to be parents!

Other items...we are still waiting to find out if my insurance will cover the pregnancy. We are hoping to get a final answer tomorrow. Please PRAY HARD!

Also, as I discussed earlier, this is an extremely expensive process. Kimberly and Chris have applied for grants but have not heard back yet. They also checked with the bank about loans and due to the state of the economy, the terms are less than appealing. They will owe around $25,000 and pretty much the clinic is cutting them some slack because they weren't supposed to start me on meds until they had this money. We have raised $6000, which is awesome, but we have a long way to go. (On a side note, one of my friends donated $100 (and her sister donated $25) and another friend donated $2,500 to them! Can you believe that?! How freakin' amazing are they?! And how amazing is God!!! Kimberly called me when she received the donations because she did not recognize the names and asked if I knew them. I told her I did and she said it gave her chills to know that complete strangers would want to help her and be so generous. I am in awe of how God is working.)

Anyway, back to the fundraising...we have been writing newspapers and stations in hopes that they would pick up the story because I know people out there would want to help this incredible couple. Finally, I got a response back. A local Greenville show called Your Carolina plans to come interview us March 9th and then we will do a live interview on the show on March 19th!! I'm not that thrilled about being on TV, but I will do anything that might help them raise this money because it's just not fair that so many insurance policies do not cover infertility and the ones that do won't cover it if it's for a surrogate and not a dependent. So, hopefully the show will bring in some donations! Please be praying for all of this, as I cannot imagine the amount of stress they are under, but God is working steadily and I can see His hand in this everyday.

I love you guys and I am incredibly grateful for all of your support!