So this past Wednesday we found out that neither embryo survived. It was difficult news to hear, mainly because the clinic had seemed so sure of positive results. It was a reminder that no matter how much science can do, God is still in control and He decides when life will be created.
We do not know exactly what happened. We will meet with the doctor on the 14th and she will tell us her best guesses and they will probably run some more tests on me. The clinic called the Tissots Weds to give them the bad news, and then Chris had to call to let me know. I know it was a difficult call for him to make, having just been told that once again they still were not parents, yet needing to hold it together long enough to call me and tell me that implantation had not worked and I needed to stop taking the hormones. I grieved. My heart ached for Kimberly. I did not know what she was thinking. Had she given up hope? Was she mad at God? I know I might have felt that way if I were in her position. Fortunately, she called me that afternoon and it did wonders to ease my mind. Obviously, the news hurt her tremendously. But she was optimistic and hopeful. She told me, "I still know that I'm supposed to be a mother." She knows that it is in God's plan for her. She felt that there was a reason why the procedure had not been successful this time and this setback would work out for the best in the end. She also assured me that I had done everything perfectly and told me not to blame myself for anything that happened.
Kimberly is a strong, compassionate woman with a heart the size of Texas. :) She amazed me with her optimism and trust in God's plan. What's even more unbelievable is how concerned she and Chris have been with how I am doing since we got the results. Yes, it was tough for me to hear that it wasn't successful, but primarily because I know how badly Chris and Kim desire to be parents. It was their loss sooo much more than it was mine, yet they were consoling me. It blew my mind. I am so blessed to have their friendships.
Here is something I wrote before the procedure but never posted. I'm posting it now because it is still relevant and will always be relevant.
Davison and I went to church on Easter and unfortunately, it was the first time in quite a while. The wonderful thing is that God loves us and uses us anyway and He has been slowly healing us and drawing us back to Him, as he has done for me so many times before. What was especially therapeutic for me was that they played my favorite hymn, “Jesus Paid It All.” The lyrics speak to me because so many times, I feel too small, weak, bitter, unworthy. But I forget that it is not how the story ends.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
As I sang this song on Easter Sunday, I could feel my hardened heart melting, just as the song states. The song ends with,
“O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.”
In my opinion, that line is one of the most powerful lines in any song. God truly raised my life from a point where I felt dead and purposeless to a place where everything is beautiful. Yes, there is still pain. Lots of pain. But I know God is working in me and through me and ultimately I am more beautiful when refined by fire.
I relay this story for a reason. I am nervous about Wednesday. It will break my heart if the test is negative. It will break my heart because it will break Chris and Kimberly’s hearts. But ultimately, God’s plan is more beautiful than anything we could create on our own. And I trust Him.
Please pray for Wednesday and that God will be glorified.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Velcro Thoughts :)
Sorry guys...I wrote this on Saturday, but things have been so hectic that I never posted it.
Today was the big day! It came so quickly. It was six short months ago when I first felt called to begin this amazing journey and it has been a whirlwind of events since then. Taking more medications and having more tests done than I can recall, doing all we can to raise money to pay for this procedure (they still need your help!), fighting an insurance company for the right to maternity care, and being blessed every step of the way with a growing friendship with two very amazing individuals. It has been more incredible than I could begin to describe.
The past few days have been filled with detailed instructions. My schedule was a prenatal vitamin in the morning, an antibiotic at lunch, an progesterone injection after work, another antibiotic at dinner, and a steriod at bedtime, all while wearing four estrogen patches every day. This morning I had to take a valium to keep my muscles relaxed during the procedure and drink about 20 ounces of water. Kimberly and Chris had even bought fancy Fiji water for me to drink. Apparently things are much easer to see on the ultrasound if I have a full bladder, which is not the most pleasant experience when they press down on your stomach. After having some bloodwork done when I first arrived to the office, Kimberly and I left the boys in the waiting room and were taken to the procedure waiting room. We put on footies, and I changed into a hospital gown, while Kimberly put on scrubs. At some point, we realize we must have looked like a nice lesbian couple trying to have a baby.
The coordinator of the program came back and told us they had two A+ grade embryos that they were going to implant, and even gave Kimberly her first "baby" pictures. It looked like two clusters of circles. They took us back to the procedure room, pressed on my full bladder, told me I needed to wait 15 more minutes because my bladder wasn't full enough (!!) and sent me back. The second time was more successful (and just a little bit more uncomfortable). We looked up on the TV monitor and we could watch the guy pull the embryos from the petri dish into the catheter tube. Then the catheter tube was placed inside me and the embryos were "shot" out. I had to lie on back for 15-20 minutes and then I was sent home to rest.
We take the official pregnancy test on the 29th!!! Please pray for Kimberly and Chris's two precious delicate embryos inside my body, pray for our battle with the insurance company, and pray for the Tissots as they are still trying to raise money to pay for this procedure.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Countdown to Embryo Transfer-16 days!!!
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Not too much going on. We kind of had most of March "off" as far as meds and tests. Right now I'm starting back up the estrogen patches and go back in for some more bloodwork and an ultrasound on April 10th. Then it will only be about a week before the embryo transfer!!! It has come so quickly. I am so very excited but also nervous that it won't work. I am trying not to let that bother me because it's all in God's hands, but I really don't want Kimberly and Chris to go through any more disappointments on their path to parenthood. Just keep the prayers coming--specifically, that my body will accept these foreign embryos and nurture them as though they were my own.
In the meantime, Kimberly and I have had quite the time. I started having pain in my wisdom teeth around mid-March so I decided to have an urgent surgery to have them removed before I get pregnant. Otherwise, I would have to suffer through the pain because the meds for the procedure could hurt the baby. The surgery went well but I haven't done too well with having gaping holes in my gums for food to get stuck in. I was pretty sure that I was not supposed to do exploratory surgery with a toothpick to remove food particles, but I couldn't help it. Needless to say, I brought on a lot of unnecessary pain and scolding from my surgeon. Now I have this neat syringe to do the trick without any sharp objects needed.
Kimberly, on the other hand, has had a much worse time of things. She had an allergic reaction to a medication that has sent her to the ER twice with trouble breathing. Luckily, the medicine is on its way out of her system, but not without blistering her skin as it leaves. Her skin looks as if it has been scalded and is now peeling. The doctors expect it to be a couple of weeks before it is completely out of her system. She has been a real trooper...
The insurance company denied our appeal. Now we request a hearing. It doesn't look promising, but we are still hopeful. Pray hard. If not, we will have to do the prenatal care uninsured.
To end on a high note, we have raised almost $200 on Ebay selling items to help pay for the IVF. We will be listing some more items soon as more gets donated, so keep checking. You can just sign onto ebay and type in the search box "help a couple have a baby." Also, let me know if you have any items you are willing to donate to the cause.
Also, here is the link to our TV appearance--a little embarassing for me, but I think we did a pretty good job for amateurs!
http://www.yourcarolina.tv/ycvideo/entry/work_friend_surrogate/
Love you guys! Thanks for all the support and kind words you have sent my way!
In the meantime, Kimberly and I have had quite the time. I started having pain in my wisdom teeth around mid-March so I decided to have an urgent surgery to have them removed before I get pregnant. Otherwise, I would have to suffer through the pain because the meds for the procedure could hurt the baby. The surgery went well but I haven't done too well with having gaping holes in my gums for food to get stuck in. I was pretty sure that I was not supposed to do exploratory surgery with a toothpick to remove food particles, but I couldn't help it. Needless to say, I brought on a lot of unnecessary pain and scolding from my surgeon. Now I have this neat syringe to do the trick without any sharp objects needed.
Kimberly, on the other hand, has had a much worse time of things. She had an allergic reaction to a medication that has sent her to the ER twice with trouble breathing. Luckily, the medicine is on its way out of her system, but not without blistering her skin as it leaves. Her skin looks as if it has been scalded and is now peeling. The doctors expect it to be a couple of weeks before it is completely out of her system. She has been a real trooper...
The insurance company denied our appeal. Now we request a hearing. It doesn't look promising, but we are still hopeful. Pray hard. If not, we will have to do the prenatal care uninsured.
To end on a high note, we have raised almost $200 on Ebay selling items to help pay for the IVF. We will be listing some more items soon as more gets donated, so keep checking. You can just sign onto ebay and type in the search box "help a couple have a baby." Also, let me know if you have any items you are willing to donate to the cause.
Also, here is the link to our TV appearance--a little embarassing for me, but I think we did a pretty good job for amateurs!
http://www.yourcarolina.tv/ycvideo/entry/work_friend_surrogate/
Love you guys! Thanks for all the support and kind words you have sent my way!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Biopsy Week Blues
We did five days of injections and then I went in for a biopsy. All of the poking, prodding, and scraping finally got the best of me. I'm sure the insane amount of hormones introduced into my system didn't help either. I broke down on Monday when we didn't numb the injection site well enough, causing me to jump a few inches and Davison to jerk the needle out, tearing my skin and causing the blood to flow. I just cried for a good ten minutes while he hugged me. It wasn't as much from the pain (although it did hurt!) as it was from the stress of trying to keep to this strict schedule of complicated medications and doctors appointments. There's a lot of pressure in trying not to mess up something so important for someone. I have a 2x2x2 cardboard box full of meds. Patches, pills, needles...you name it, I got it. Antibiotics, steroids, a valium for the procedure, birth control, estrogen. I think this whole process will cause me to go organic knowing what those chickens go through to get big and strong for us to eat them.
On Tuesday morning, I went in for a biopsy. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden I felt like the doctor pinched a piece of my uterus off, but she really was only scraping. I jumped again. The tears started coming. The bit she scraped was not enough so she had to do it a second time. I just lay there in silence, unable to stop the tears and embarassed to be crying in front of an audience. The nurse was very empathetic (She's pregnant from an IVF cycle the previous month so she's been in my place) and discreetly brought me some tissue. It was actually a relatively "easy" biopsy, as I had no cramping or spotting afterward.
Kimberly has also been through all of this before when the doctors tried to determine if her body could support a pregnancy. It helps me tremendously that she knows what to expect and gives me all these tips. It breaks my heart that she jumped through all these hoops, only to be told it was not a viable option.
I find out the results of the biopsy on Tuesday I think. I don't know what's after that. I don't know what I will be doing from one week to the next. They don't lay out the schedule for you so you know what's coming, because it's all based on your test results from week to week. They have to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and that my uterus lining is thickening appropriately so that the embryos will attach.
Carolina Care Plan is not going to cover the pregnancy. I bold their name because I think it is unacceptable that insurance companies can discriminate against couples who are infertile by not covering surrogacy pregnancies. We got official word on Friday. The woman who delivered the news acted as though she was delivering me a basket of fresh fruit. She even had the nerve to tell me to "have a great weekend!!" It was devastating. We are fighting it. I'm mailing the appeal letter today. We don't really have time to wait out the appeals process, so we are looking for alternatives. The only policies we have found cost around $20,000, which may be way more than the pregnancy will cost if everything is normal. Plus, since we only have six weeks left, there is no time to come up with that type of money. We may have to proceed without insurance and work with a company that can negotiate with the providers for reduced fees. We are low on options. Please pray for this!
I know that God wants this to happen and I have felt His hand in this the entire time. I know He will work out a way for this baby to be born!
On Tuesday morning, I went in for a biopsy. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden I felt like the doctor pinched a piece of my uterus off, but she really was only scraping. I jumped again. The tears started coming. The bit she scraped was not enough so she had to do it a second time. I just lay there in silence, unable to stop the tears and embarassed to be crying in front of an audience. The nurse was very empathetic (She's pregnant from an IVF cycle the previous month so she's been in my place) and discreetly brought me some tissue. It was actually a relatively "easy" biopsy, as I had no cramping or spotting afterward.
Kimberly has also been through all of this before when the doctors tried to determine if her body could support a pregnancy. It helps me tremendously that she knows what to expect and gives me all these tips. It breaks my heart that she jumped through all these hoops, only to be told it was not a viable option.
I find out the results of the biopsy on Tuesday I think. I don't know what's after that. I don't know what I will be doing from one week to the next. They don't lay out the schedule for you so you know what's coming, because it's all based on your test results from week to week. They have to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and that my uterus lining is thickening appropriately so that the embryos will attach.
Carolina Care Plan is not going to cover the pregnancy. I bold their name because I think it is unacceptable that insurance companies can discriminate against couples who are infertile by not covering surrogacy pregnancies. We got official word on Friday. The woman who delivered the news acted as though she was delivering me a basket of fresh fruit. She even had the nerve to tell me to "have a great weekend!!" It was devastating. We are fighting it. I'm mailing the appeal letter today. We don't really have time to wait out the appeals process, so we are looking for alternatives. The only policies we have found cost around $20,000, which may be way more than the pregnancy will cost if everything is normal. Plus, since we only have six weeks left, there is no time to come up with that type of money. We may have to proceed without insurance and work with a company that can negotiate with the providers for reduced fees. We are low on options. Please pray for this!
I know that God wants this to happen and I have felt His hand in this the entire time. I know He will work out a way for this baby to be born!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I'm a stunt double and soon-to-be TV star!
Updates! So I've been wearing estrogen patches for a couple of weeks now. I'm up to four patches every other day! You would think that I'd be able to tell a difference, but I haven't noticed any changes. Maybe Davison is the better judge of that. :)
We went to the fertility clinic yesterday. They placed a catheter inside me and used the sonogram machine to determine where they would be placing the embryos! Wild! I start the progesterone injections (ouch!) on Friday. I feel bad for Davison because I think I'd rather receive an injection than give one. I'll be taking those everyday. I go back to the clinic next Tues, March 3rd, for a biopsy (more ouch!) to check the lining of my uterus. After that I will start a whole slew of meds designed to make sure my body is primed and ready for the embryo transfer in April. I told Kimberly it was just like I was her stunt double! I'm so excited for them--I know they are more than ready to be parents!
Other items...we are still waiting to find out if my insurance will cover the pregnancy. We are hoping to get a final answer tomorrow. Please PRAY HARD!
Also, as I discussed earlier, this is an extremely expensive process. Kimberly and Chris have applied for grants but have not heard back yet. They also checked with the bank about loans and due to the state of the economy, the terms are less than appealing. They will owe around $25,000 and pretty much the clinic is cutting them some slack because they weren't supposed to start me on meds until they had this money. We have raised $6000, which is awesome, but we have a long way to go. (On a side note, one of my friends donated $100 (and her sister donated $25) and another friend donated $2,500 to them! Can you believe that?! How freakin' amazing are they?! And how amazing is God!!! Kimberly called me when she received the donations because she did not recognize the names and asked if I knew them. I told her I did and she said it gave her chills to know that complete strangers would want to help her and be so generous. I am in awe of how God is working.)
Anyway, back to the fundraising...we have been writing newspapers and stations in hopes that they would pick up the story because I know people out there would want to help this incredible couple. Finally, I got a response back. A local Greenville show called Your Carolina plans to come interview us March 9th and then we will do a live interview on the show on March 19th!! I'm not that thrilled about being on TV, but I will do anything that might help them raise this money because it's just not fair that so many insurance policies do not cover infertility and the ones that do won't cover it if it's for a surrogate and not a dependent. So, hopefully the show will bring in some donations! Please be praying for all of this, as I cannot imagine the amount of stress they are under, but God is working steadily and I can see His hand in this everyday.
I love you guys and I am incredibly grateful for all of your support!
We went to the fertility clinic yesterday. They placed a catheter inside me and used the sonogram machine to determine where they would be placing the embryos! Wild! I start the progesterone injections (ouch!) on Friday. I feel bad for Davison because I think I'd rather receive an injection than give one. I'll be taking those everyday. I go back to the clinic next Tues, March 3rd, for a biopsy (more ouch!) to check the lining of my uterus. After that I will start a whole slew of meds designed to make sure my body is primed and ready for the embryo transfer in April. I told Kimberly it was just like I was her stunt double! I'm so excited for them--I know they are more than ready to be parents!
Other items...we are still waiting to find out if my insurance will cover the pregnancy. We are hoping to get a final answer tomorrow. Please PRAY HARD!
Also, as I discussed earlier, this is an extremely expensive process. Kimberly and Chris have applied for grants but have not heard back yet. They also checked with the bank about loans and due to the state of the economy, the terms are less than appealing. They will owe around $25,000 and pretty much the clinic is cutting them some slack because they weren't supposed to start me on meds until they had this money. We have raised $6000, which is awesome, but we have a long way to go. (On a side note, one of my friends donated $100 (and her sister donated $25) and another friend donated $2,500 to them! Can you believe that?! How freakin' amazing are they?! And how amazing is God!!! Kimberly called me when she received the donations because she did not recognize the names and asked if I knew them. I told her I did and she said it gave her chills to know that complete strangers would want to help her and be so generous. I am in awe of how God is working.)
Anyway, back to the fundraising...we have been writing newspapers and stations in hopes that they would pick up the story because I know people out there would want to help this incredible couple. Finally, I got a response back. A local Greenville show called Your Carolina plans to come interview us March 9th and then we will do a live interview on the show on March 19th!! I'm not that thrilled about being on TV, but I will do anything that might help them raise this money because it's just not fair that so many insurance policies do not cover infertility and the ones that do won't cover it if it's for a surrogate and not a dependent. So, hopefully the show will bring in some donations! Please be praying for all of this, as I cannot imagine the amount of stress they are under, but God is working steadily and I can see His hand in this everyday.
I love you guys and I am incredibly grateful for all of your support!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Please spread the word!!!
Kim and Chris recieved the statement from the clinic this week. It's almost $25,000 and it's due before we can do the procedure in April. They have applied for some grants that specifically help people who are dealing with infertility, but they are not sure if they will even receive a response before the money is due. They are also going to take out a home equity loan but there will still be a significant shortfall. Please please please spread the word about their story. Tell your friends and family; every little bit helps. If you are a part of a church, see if they would be willing to help out. I can assure you that Kimberly and Chris will be grateful for your support--this week has been very trying for them and they are under a lot of financial stress. It is ridiculous that so many insurance companies do not cover infertility procedures. They deserve to have a child and money should not be a barrier to acheiving this goal!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
speedbump...
There's so much to catch everyone up on....sorry for the delay on updating, but things have been so hectic!
First for the good news....we have a timeline! This is a very complicated, scientific process so I'm going to try to explain it as I understand it. I have started taking prenatal vitamins to prepare my body for the baby. Starting around mid-February, I will start taking estrogen to see how it affects my hormone levels. Then I will begin taking the injections. The eggs will be harvested from the egg donor the week preceding Easter, and the eggs will be implanted in my body the following week, the week after Easter (mid April). That is so exciting that we are so close to making a baby for Chris and Kimberly!!!
Now for the not-so-good part. Let me just say that things have been running so smoothly with the process and we have just been so grateful to God for His hand in everything. That being said, none of us expected for the road to be bump-free. For Chris and Kimberly, the journey of having a baby has been a roller coaster, and I'm sure they are emotionally exhausted. And now we have officially hit our first roadblock with the surrogacy. We were originally told by our local insurance rep that the pregnancy would be covered no differently than if I were having my own child. However, this rep has since left the agency and we are now being told the pregnancy will not be covered because the policy excludes surrogacy (I'm sure I'll post about how ridiculous this exclusion is in another post). Needless to say, we felt like we had been punched in the stomach. I cannot even fathom how much it costs to have a baby without insurance, but I'm pretty sure it would more than double the costs of the surrogacy. With all of the doctor appointments, sonograms, hospital stay, medications, etc..., human procreation is an expensive thing. My niece's golden retriever Belle just had puppies and her mom was telling me that Belle bit off each of the six umbilical cords with her teeth. No sonogram, no delivery doctor, no surgical utensils, no epidural. Amazing. Off topic, but amazing. Anyway, I am very grateful that we have the technology and scientific advances to make pregnancy and delivery so much safer, but along with that comes the mula.
I have tried my best to convince Chris and Kim to let me handle the battle with the insurance. They have enough to worry about with figuring out how to pay for the actual in vitro fertilization procedure. For now, we are awaiting a definitive answer from the insurance company bigwigs. If it is confirmed that we will not be covered, we will try to fight. If that fails, we will seek out a separate insurance company to cover maternity. This will not slow us down. Please be in prayer for this situation. We are still hoping to work it out without additional costs. Finally, Chris and Kim could really use some support and encouragement right now with this latest setback. Even if you can only donate a small amount, just the timing of it would serve to show them that they are loved and supported and that God's hand is still moving. I love you guys and thank you for all you have been doing to encourage me! I am very blessed!
http://www.lifelonggift.com/
First for the good news....we have a timeline! This is a very complicated, scientific process so I'm going to try to explain it as I understand it. I have started taking prenatal vitamins to prepare my body for the baby. Starting around mid-February, I will start taking estrogen to see how it affects my hormone levels. Then I will begin taking the injections. The eggs will be harvested from the egg donor the week preceding Easter, and the eggs will be implanted in my body the following week, the week after Easter (mid April). That is so exciting that we are so close to making a baby for Chris and Kimberly!!!
Now for the not-so-good part. Let me just say that things have been running so smoothly with the process and we have just been so grateful to God for His hand in everything. That being said, none of us expected for the road to be bump-free. For Chris and Kimberly, the journey of having a baby has been a roller coaster, and I'm sure they are emotionally exhausted. And now we have officially hit our first roadblock with the surrogacy. We were originally told by our local insurance rep that the pregnancy would be covered no differently than if I were having my own child. However, this rep has since left the agency and we are now being told the pregnancy will not be covered because the policy excludes surrogacy (I'm sure I'll post about how ridiculous this exclusion is in another post). Needless to say, we felt like we had been punched in the stomach. I cannot even fathom how much it costs to have a baby without insurance, but I'm pretty sure it would more than double the costs of the surrogacy. With all of the doctor appointments, sonograms, hospital stay, medications, etc..., human procreation is an expensive thing. My niece's golden retriever Belle just had puppies and her mom was telling me that Belle bit off each of the six umbilical cords with her teeth. No sonogram, no delivery doctor, no surgical utensils, no epidural. Amazing. Off topic, but amazing. Anyway, I am very grateful that we have the technology and scientific advances to make pregnancy and delivery so much safer, but along with that comes the mula.
I have tried my best to convince Chris and Kim to let me handle the battle with the insurance. They have enough to worry about with figuring out how to pay for the actual in vitro fertilization procedure. For now, we are awaiting a definitive answer from the insurance company bigwigs. If it is confirmed that we will not be covered, we will try to fight. If that fails, we will seek out a separate insurance company to cover maternity. This will not slow us down. Please be in prayer for this situation. We are still hoping to work it out without additional costs. Finally, Chris and Kim could really use some support and encouragement right now with this latest setback. Even if you can only donate a small amount, just the timing of it would serve to show them that they are loved and supported and that God's hand is still moving. I love you guys and thank you for all you have been doing to encourage me! I am very blessed!
http://www.lifelonggift.com/
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